Written by Chanel Hoole
When Dev’s dad suggested we consider spending a year at Lee Abbey, we were in the middle of a transitional phase in our lives. I was finishing my studies (and working simultaneously), and just the thought of starting a master’s program was exhausting, because I already felt burnt out. Dev, too, was feeling uninspired at work. Our apartment lease was ending, and the landlord wanted to move back in. We had some decisions to make, but weren’t quite ready for them yet. The idea of spending a year doing something completely different was intriguing, and we hoped that God would guide us toward our next steps.
Now, as our time here nears its end, we’re wrapping things up. With only a few weeks left, we’re using our time off to relax and savour the last bits of our experience here.
Some people have asked how community living has affected our marriage. Honestly, I don’t think it’s changed much for us. If anything, it’s probably shaped how we’ve made and maintained friendships here rather than impacting our marriage directly. Dev and I both naturally enjoy our own company or spending time with a close few, preferring quiet evenings with a movie or series over late nights. We use mealtimes and Elevensies as our way of catching up with others. We also occasionally venture out on walks or coffee dates with community – Dev particularly loves playing table tennis and I don’t give him enough competition. But like most adult friendships, it takes effort to maintain, and when we do make time for it, we truly enjoy it.
For people who came here solo, I think there’s more opportunity to make friends since their attention isn’t divided. As a wife, my focus is, primarily, on my husband, and, at this moment, my rest time, due to the obstacles of the previous year. Prioritizing downtime together means that we sacrifice spending time with community. Much of community activity takes place in the evenings, because of work schedules.
Expectations of Friendship
A speaker here recently mentioned that people who come to Lee Abbey looking to “find themselves” often leave with less than expected, while those who come looking for God tend to leave with far more than they anticipated. For Devon and I, the main reason we came was to seek God’s will for our future and experience Christian community, something that sometimes, ironically, lacks in modern church.
We suspected that coming here wouldn’t transform us into social butterflies. We recharge by being alone and value depth over quantity when it comes to friendships. That hasn’t changed, but it has become clearer. With the constant turnover of people, it’s also tempting to avoid relationships that seem temporary. That doesn’t mean that every friendship made here will end as soon as someone leaves. They’ll change, certainly, but not necessarily fade away. Proximity helps relationships thrive, but as life changes, friendships adapt, whether we’re at Lee Abbey or elsewhere. Just because friendships may look different as people follow God’s calling doesn’t mean they’re any less real or meaningful.
If we recognize that some friendships are seasonal and some are lasting, we might become more open to embracing them for what they are, instead of closing ourselves off to avoid potential loss.
Relationships here can be both seasonal and transformational, valuable both in their time and possibly beyond. When we understand that our primary calling is to God, we’re less likely to shy away from friendships for fear of being left behind. However, it doesn’t mean we aren’t selective about the connections we make.
I once heard a worship leader say that friendships born in God’s presence have a lasting quality. When you gather together around faith, rather than just connecting online, truly value one another, and lose the need to “win” at friendships, then life’s changes won’t shake the bond. By being honest about challenges, praying together, checking in often, and keeping your word, trust and depth can be built. The honesty and vulnerability in the community at Lee Abbey create an environment for valuable relationship – it’s impossible to be around so many people in close quarters and not be changed, even if those changes aren’t obvious right away. You know when you’ve been changed—your thinking shifts, your heart softens—and you can carry that growth with you when you leave, regardless of whether you come here single, married or married with children.
A Call to Community
Being here has allowed us to pause from our own goals and give our lives a “Sabbath rest.” We work hard here, but it’s for something larger than ourselves. It’s about extending God’s hospitality, His welcome. Just as land needs a season to rest to bear more fruit later, our lives also need seasons of intentional pause. Giving a year to this isn’t necessarily giving up a year. What God can create from a year of focused trust far surpasses what we could build on our own.
Do you feel called to community? That could be in your own hometown or perhaps even a place like Lee Abbey. We travelled halfway around the world to experience an intense glimpse of the early church, sharing life and work together. It’s different from typical modern life, but we’re leaving with the hope that we’ve been enriched by this experience of community and can bring the values of Lee Abbey’s Rule of Life into our daily routines back home. We’ve grown closer to becoming who God created us to be—and that’s more than enough, though there’s likely still more to come.
Devon and Chanel, Cape Town, South Africa
